Right, so anyone who's spoken to me for more than 5 minutes probably knows I am a big fan of the Radio 4 show 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue'. One of my favourite games on there is the Uxbridge English Dictionary, where old words are given new meaning - for example, miniscule would be a creche in Liverpool (mini-school). It's basically a huge exercise in my favourite type of comedy, punnage. So here, for your bafflement and to inspire the hatred you'll no doubt award me, are some I've been creating myself. The randoms come first, and the series come last. Feel free to add your own...
Lederhosen – spraying the postman
Philosophy – when you’ve had enough of Sophie
Solicitor – a sad Chinese man sitting down
Cooperation – a speech from the head of a supermarket
Samurai – the choice between me and Sam
Hirsute – what she wears to work
Filibuster – a lover of steak
Temporal – short-lived foreplay
Internet – something consumed by an apprentice
Phantasmagorical – one who predicts the addition of drugs to Fanta
Calamitous – devices for measuring colour
Gastronomy – to be bombarded with gas
Superintendent – trying to cover her with soup
Dostoyevsky – old English for “Do I have to ski?”
Garibaldi – Gary’s gone bald
Pusillanimous – dismay at the stench of a seal’s soul
Gelatine – to get the product and the packaging the wrong way round in hair care
Ballistic – a damnable lump of wood
Indubitably – to competently undo something
Valedictorum – when things are torn by a twat from Wales
Banister – to outlaw ogling
Prima Donna – before Madonna
Tonality – the property of being like a toenail
Ornament – a Brummie phrase meaning intended for the governor of California
Berlusconi – something heavy set that goes well with jam and clotted cream
Dandelion – a gay feline
Salamander – to flog Amanda
Teacake – wood pain
Scabbard – to recover toughly from a wound
Defer – to strip something of its hair
European – to call someone common
Detrimental – that tree is insane
Pornographic – being too broke to afford pictures
Evangelical – so desperate as to talk to Jelly
Condemn – how you get people to give you their money
Orgasm – the alternative of gassing people
Celeritous – to toss celery
Monarchic – to lament the weakness in one’s legs
Dumbfounded – discovered by a flying elephant
Existential – smelling of eggs
Clandestine – the Stein family
Military – a chocolate orange cookie
Disturbing – to remove one’s turban
Pandering – to paint something black and white
Mosquito – a little place of worship
Demented – to spit out your toothpaste
Morbid – what continues an auction
Psychosomatic – a flea that goes crazy in the heat
Disinterest – insulting Turrets and dyslexia sufferers at the same time
Posturing – after an Italian city
Menstruate – the thing men dislike the most
Macaroon – what one must do after eating too much
Deliberate – to lock someone up
Unfasten – to slow someone down
Improvise – to alter an imp
Bonanza – a Russian monarch in the act of lovemaking
Germinate – to maintain a grudge
Substantiate – to be not as good a Muslim as Stan
Mushroom – where huskies are kept
Belligerent – mocking fat people
Anonymous – a Scottish mouse
Senile – thinking you’re in Egypt
Buffet – to sexily say hello in the style of the Fonz
Eunuchs – it’s your turn now
Lasso – to be sick of Girls Aloud
Extreme – something you thought you wanted, but didn’t actually
Vindicate – a girl who eats mostly curry
Jezebel – a posh doorbell
Inflammatory – to set light to David Cameron
Hobgoblin – to eat a kitchen appliance
Eye doctor – online medical advice
Sandalwood – what shoes wish they could do
Hurly burly – when Liz puts on weight
Matriculate – to move away from Imperial measurements
Urban – to cover in garlic
Llandudno – to mistakenly think your place has set down
Subcutaneous – people to small to wait in line
Hospitable – capable of equine salivation
Entire – a pissed off tree
Longitude – his protracted mastication
Ramification – to turn something into a sheep
Upholstery – telling your mates how you got laid last night
Rational – a place with no vodka
Chlamydia – a damp stag
Gusset – to swear at something
Ajudicate - having felated a Hebrew
Anticipation – when a doctor treats an ant
Anterior – a scarier ant than the one before
Ignorant – to disregard ants
Rudiment – to intend offence
Intrude – to deny that something is offensive
Television – a town in Israel
Telemetry – another town in Israel
Tantalise – a tent full of untruths
Scandalise – to look over untruths
Herbivore – the film after Herbie Three
Carnivore – the fourth carnie along
Fructivore – an insult to the channel T4
Piscivore – Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, John Aschroft, and George Bush
Tendency – the third tendon along
Acne – a Scotsman banging their leg
Acumen – a Scotswoman cursing her husband
Marquis – what you say when you’ve lost your keys
Machiavelli – what an Italian says when they lose their keys
Congenital – with your penis
Congenial – with a magic spirit
Political – to molest a parrot
Polyamorous – to love several parrots at once
Oscillate – a tardy Australian
Undulate – something which is inexplicably delayed
Anti-Semitic – to be against things that are only half right
Anti-aircraft – to be against boats made of eggshells
Procrastinate – to be in favour of eating poorly constructed containers
Proselytise – to be in favour of Tie Rack
Purloin – something worn in the underwear department
Pernickety – for those interested in brewing underwear
Parabolic – a supernatural testicle
Diabolic – a poor excuse for a testicle
Metabolic – a superior testicle
Binmen – post-op transsexuals
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